One of the ONLY good things about divorce is that you get to have some kid free time while your kids are being parented by the other person in their lives that should care enough about them to do a good job. The cool thing about that is where I normally worry when I leave them places (mostly I worry about how the person taking care of them is holding up, not actually about my kids) when they are with their dad I know they are going to be fine and actually need to spend time with him.
So what do my hubby and I do on our two weekends a month kid-free? Most of the time we attend our kids sporting events or activities on those weekends so it ends up being about one weekend a month that we get to have date nights or even date weekends. When the stars align and we have some time off we like to go out of town because as I mentioned in a previous post, when I am home I find work to do. For example, since we got married we have turned a dining room into a bedroom, added a bathtub in the downstairs bath, painted the entire downstairs, painted our bedroom, painted two kids' rooms, added a basketball hoop, trampoline, and pool to the backyard, built a shed, and done other stuff I can't think of right now. This weekend we plan on building a bunny lean-to and then later this month we are going to replace flooring in our bathroom and laundry room to finish our remodel. My hubby knows that if we stay home I will think of things that need done.
We enjoy our little weekend getaways when they do happen. And one of our favorite things to do on those weekends, other than talk about our kids and make plans for how to stay sane, is to plan our retirement. Some day our kids will all grow up and have their own families. It's hard to imagine when you are holding them in your arms or cleaning up dirty diapers or feeding them in the middle of the night, but these little people will have their own lives. We aren't crummy parents who are counting down the days until the kids move out (ahem... 2026)... :) We tell our kids to stay home and go to college locally and we will pay their room and board. We aren't rushing them. But, they will leave someday, it will happen. They don't belong to us. Watching them become independent little people is exciting for us. We love seeing them do their own thing, develop their own interests and explore life. And so naturally the conversations we have turn towards planning what we will do when the kids leave our nest.
Have you thought about it? I mean *really* thought about it? We all hear those stories of couples who stay married until their kids all grow up and move out and then they divorce. If the thought of being alone with your spouse when all the kids leave scares you, that is not a good sign. I know because I felt that way in my first marriage. I can remember sitting in counseling and the therapist saying "You do know your kids will leave the house someday?" and I instantly started crying. Bad sign, ladies, bad sign.
Honestly, there was nothing I could do to stay married the first time. This is not a post advocating or bashing divorce. This is just me telling you what happened. I got married at 18. Not the best age to be picking the person you will be married to for the rest of your life, but I've seen it work for some people so I won't blame being young. Besides all the normal issues that sometimes come with marriage we had a huge one in ours and it's not something people like to talk about: cheating. And so after 15 years and 3 kids I got tired of it and said no more. I felt ashamed and sad and like a failure but I went to counseling and Divorce Care and the more time goes by, the better I feel about it. I can look at my kids honestly and know I did right by them. If one of my kids was in the situation I was in I would tell them to do the exact same thing I did. Absolutely no regrets.
When I was married the first time and I would hear people talk about their spouses in a positive way I figured they were lying. I thought people all had the issues we had and just lied about it. Then I met my second husband (that sounds so classy, doesn't it :p) and the more time we spend together and the longer we are married the more excited I get about growing old and ugly with him. I am genuinely excited to help him with things and do life with him. He makes me laugh and gives 100% to our family. We are the same in a lot of ways and both give and expect little in return. That's one reason I knew we made a good match; we are both the type of people that can get taken advantage of so I figured if we married each other we would be 'safe' from vultures that we normally attract. LOL
BUT... and this is a huge BUT... we have a blended family. We have kids with hurts who lash out at us. We have grief on all sides that taints even our best days. It's hard to be happy and sad all at the same time, but our kids are becoming masters of that. It is not a life I wish on anyone, but we make the best of it. We made a decision and it has taken a lot of work from both of us, to be positive and focus on the good in our lives and not let the bad or negative tear us apart. And what is developing is truly beautiful.
Last weekend we stayed in a teepee (that looked way cooler in the picutres), at an RV park (showers had slow drains, enough said), next to smelly Soap Lake (people should question what exactly is happening with the water that would create that smell) while we planned our retirement. We talked about what we are going to do 'someday' and what kind of life we want to have when we are grandma and grandpa. And it was great. My husband is my best friend. He is the coolest person to hang out with. He understands my need for order and doesn't react when I freak out because we forgot hot dogs. He makes me laugh, mostly at myself and is my favorite person in the world. Maybe we have it easy because we are technically newlyweds? Try being newlyweds with two ex's and kids with loyalty issues. We don't have it easy. We just love each other and work hard.
My husband noticed the other day that I don't talk about him much in my blog. I laughed. I guess I don't want to brag. I mostly write about things that make me crazy and that annoy me. He really, truly does neither of those things. When we do argue I stop after about two sentences because he looks at me with those sincere eyes and I can't be a jerk to him! It's not fair actually :-/ It's hard to be mad at the world when someone is wanting to hug you.
So this post is for my hubby... I won't write about him much because reading it is like the equivalent of watching Donnie Loves Jenny and gagging over all the PDA.
Love you Air Bear, and I can't wait to build our tiny house overlooking some body of water and drive our RV back and forth from where ever we live to see the kids and grand kids and help them do life :)
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