Keeping Secrets From My Husband... and other good habits I've learned the second time around.

When I got divorced it was a chance to start over in every area of my life. People often look at divorced women and notice how in shape they get and think it's because the woman wants to attract a new man. For me, that was not the case! I simply lost my appetite and couldn't eat. Then, in an effort to calm my nerves, running became a form of crack that I was beyond addicted to. I remember getting up everyday and not feeling a thing. I was numb. The physical beating I would put myself through at the gym at least made me feel something as opposed to the apathy I was being buried under in my daily life. If you've never felt a runner's high, I encourage you to try distance running! 7 miles on a treadmill is healthier than crack (so I'm told) and it's free! While I don't run 7 miles anymore, I do walk and jog every chance I get because I love the endorphins. Starting over physically meant getting healthy. I wanted to start, and keep good habits.

I met Eric when I wasn't all the way through the healing process from my divorce. I'm still not through it, I suppose. But grief is like that, it comes in waves and becomes a part of who you are. When we started seeing each other I was newly divorced and Eric was five years post divorce, but neither of us had "dated" anyone after our ex's. It is safe to say neither of us knew what to do, but we both talked a lot about what we weren't going to do. Throughout our relationship we both laid down some non-negotiable rules/deal breakers/habits that I think have helped us form the strong friendship and relationship that we have now. I've read a lot of books and articles online and some of the things we came up with are things other divorced people talk about. So we must be on to something....

1. Be yourself... Otherwise known as the world doesn't need another Eric or Mari.

We agreed, from day 1, that we weren't put on this earth, or in each others' lives to change each other. That took a lot of potential arguments off the table. We both had things we knew we needed to work on that weren't the best parts of us. We trusted each other to work on those things and that each of us had to own our own crap. It's not Eric's job to make me happy (cause I'm kind of grouchy moody.). It's not my job to get Eric to stop yelling at umpires (really... That's the only flaw I can think of to insert here). We had to accept ALL of each other or none, with no expectation for change. I already knew from being married for 15 years that people don't really change. In fact, the older I get, the more stubborn and sure of myself I become. It's best to accept each other today, because tomorrow I'll be that much older and more set in my ways. The funny thing is, as we gave each other permission to be ourselves we also found ourselves wanting to please each other in small ways. For instance, I try to stop the task I'm doing when Eric comes home for lunch so I can be fully present with him, even though my OCD doesn't always like that. And, Eric doesn't yell at other drivers when I'm in the car, though I'm certain he does when I'm not with him. But when one of us slips and our real selves are staring at each other... we have nothing but love for each other. The same Eric that would yell at an ump would also defend what he thinks is right in more important matters. And not being able to stop a task might be annoying when I won't stop vacuuming when someone wants my attention, but it sure paid off when I was getting my degree. There is a good side to every trait!

2. Keep secrets.. Otherwise known as shut the bathroom door.
Some things in marriage should be sacred. You should have privacy and manners around each other. I don't need to know about Eric's bowel habits. He doesn't need to see me pluck the hairs on my chin. Those aren't attractive things to witness. Somehow in our culture of 'having no shame' people have lost a sense of privacy. If you want your spouse to look at you with longing, give them something to long for.

3. Be recreational companions... Otherwise known as do fun things together.
It's easy to get caught up in the "have to's" of life and forget to have fun. Eric is not a worrier. He really, truly lives each day like it could be his last. I, on the other hand, tend to plan and over-think and put things and people off because I'm doing some important task (like writing a blog post). When we got married, we had to learn to balance being grown ups and hands-on parents to 5 needy kids while still having fun with each other. For a while I didn't think it was possible and I actually told Eric he shouldn't have married me because wives aren't "fun." Girlfriends and mistresses are fun, right? But wives do the hard jobs and are grouchy. He was right, we figured out how to do the hard things in life and still have time and energy for fun by setting a priority to have fun no matter how stressful life is. 

4. Be there for each other... Otherwise known as take turns.
Everyone has bad days, or even just bad moments. When your spouse has one, it's your time to shine. I hate when Eric has a bad day or something goes wrong for him, but I love being there for him and showing up for him. And something that was hard for me to learn was that it's ok to ask for what you need. In fact, Eric loves it when I ask, that way he knows exactly what to do to make me happy (even though I tell him constantly that it isn't his job!). When your spouse has a crappy day, that is not your time to join in and commiserate. Your spouse needs you to be there for them emotionally.

5. Be affectionate.... Otherwise known as you have a bed, use it.
I shall try to say this in as few words as possible so as to not embarrass myself, my husband, or anyone reading it.... Don't hold out on each other. What would happen if you did it every day? Baring some illness or extreme fatigue or being in different locations what keeps you from enjoying being with each other every night? This life is hard. When you find things that are fun to do together, you should do them. Often.

I don't have a magic formula. All I know is that both Eric and I fudged up the first time and we don't want that again. When I hear about people who are married a long time... 5, 10, 30, 50 years... I want to know what they have found that works. Were they lucky? Did they have good habits? Sometimes, especially in our case, it takes failing to figure out how to do it right.