Keeping Secrets From My Husband... and other good habits I've learned the second time around.

When I got divorced it was a chance to start over in every area of my life. People often look at divorced women and notice how in shape they get and think it's because the woman wants to attract a new man. For me, that was not the case! I simply lost my appetite and couldn't eat. Then, in an effort to calm my nerves, running became a form of crack that I was beyond addicted to. I remember getting up everyday and not feeling a thing. I was numb. The physical beating I would put myself through at the gym at least made me feel something as opposed to the apathy I was being buried under in my daily life. If you've never felt a runner's high, I encourage you to try distance running! 7 miles on a treadmill is healthier than crack (so I'm told) and it's free! While I don't run 7 miles anymore, I do walk and jog every chance I get because I love the endorphins. Starting over physically meant getting healthy. I wanted to start, and keep good habits.

I met Eric when I wasn't all the way through the healing process from my divorce. I'm still not through it, I suppose. But grief is like that, it comes in waves and becomes a part of who you are. When we started seeing each other I was newly divorced and Eric was five years post divorce, but neither of us had "dated" anyone after our ex's. It is safe to say neither of us knew what to do, but we both talked a lot about what we weren't going to do. Throughout our relationship we both laid down some non-negotiable rules/deal breakers/habits that I think have helped us form the strong friendship and relationship that we have now. I've read a lot of books and articles online and some of the things we came up with are things other divorced people talk about. So we must be on to something....

1. Be yourself... Otherwise known as the world doesn't need another Eric or Mari.

We agreed, from day 1, that we weren't put on this earth, or in each others' lives to change each other. That took a lot of potential arguments off the table. We both had things we knew we needed to work on that weren't the best parts of us. We trusted each other to work on those things and that each of us had to own our own crap. It's not Eric's job to make me happy (cause I'm kind of grouchy moody.). It's not my job to get Eric to stop yelling at umpires (really... That's the only flaw I can think of to insert here). We had to accept ALL of each other or none, with no expectation for change. I already knew from being married for 15 years that people don't really change. In fact, the older I get, the more stubborn and sure of myself I become. It's best to accept each other today, because tomorrow I'll be that much older and more set in my ways. The funny thing is, as we gave each other permission to be ourselves we also found ourselves wanting to please each other in small ways. For instance, I try to stop the task I'm doing when Eric comes home for lunch so I can be fully present with him, even though my OCD doesn't always like that. And, Eric doesn't yell at other drivers when I'm in the car, though I'm certain he does when I'm not with him. But when one of us slips and our real selves are staring at each other... we have nothing but love for each other. The same Eric that would yell at an ump would also defend what he thinks is right in more important matters. And not being able to stop a task might be annoying when I won't stop vacuuming when someone wants my attention, but it sure paid off when I was getting my degree. There is a good side to every trait!

2. Keep secrets.. Otherwise known as shut the bathroom door.
Some things in marriage should be sacred. You should have privacy and manners around each other. I don't need to know about Eric's bowel habits. He doesn't need to see me pluck the hairs on my chin. Those aren't attractive things to witness. Somehow in our culture of 'having no shame' people have lost a sense of privacy. If you want your spouse to look at you with longing, give them something to long for.

3. Be recreational companions... Otherwise known as do fun things together.
It's easy to get caught up in the "have to's" of life and forget to have fun. Eric is not a worrier. He really, truly lives each day like it could be his last. I, on the other hand, tend to plan and over-think and put things and people off because I'm doing some important task (like writing a blog post). When we got married, we had to learn to balance being grown ups and hands-on parents to 5 needy kids while still having fun with each other. For a while I didn't think it was possible and I actually told Eric he shouldn't have married me because wives aren't "fun." Girlfriends and mistresses are fun, right? But wives do the hard jobs and are grouchy. He was right, we figured out how to do the hard things in life and still have time and energy for fun by setting a priority to have fun no matter how stressful life is. 

4. Be there for each other... Otherwise known as take turns.
Everyone has bad days, or even just bad moments. When your spouse has one, it's your time to shine. I hate when Eric has a bad day or something goes wrong for him, but I love being there for him and showing up for him. And something that was hard for me to learn was that it's ok to ask for what you need. In fact, Eric loves it when I ask, that way he knows exactly what to do to make me happy (even though I tell him constantly that it isn't his job!). When your spouse has a crappy day, that is not your time to join in and commiserate. Your spouse needs you to be there for them emotionally.

5. Be affectionate.... Otherwise known as you have a bed, use it.
I shall try to say this in as few words as possible so as to not embarrass myself, my husband, or anyone reading it.... Don't hold out on each other. What would happen if you did it every day? Baring some illness or extreme fatigue or being in different locations what keeps you from enjoying being with each other every night? This life is hard. When you find things that are fun to do together, you should do them. Often.

I don't have a magic formula. All I know is that both Eric and I fudged up the first time and we don't want that again. When I hear about people who are married a long time... 5, 10, 30, 50 years... I want to know what they have found that works. Were they lucky? Did they have good habits? Sometimes, especially in our case, it takes failing to figure out how to do it right.

No One is Perfect... Including my husband and here's why

So my last post was about my hubby and why I am so enamored with him <3 But in the interest of full disclosure I'm now going to tell you the top 5 reasons why my husband isn't perfect, but I love him anyway....

1. He might be a hoarder.
I'm not 100% sure on this one. What I know is that he doesn't throw things away. I haven't figured out if it's laziness or hoarding, regardless, the outcome is the same: our house has stuff in it that should be in the garbage can.

2. He yells at umpires.
I have actually said to my husband "We arrived here in one car and just so you know, if you get thrown out of the game I'm not leaving until it's over, so you'll need to find a ride."
Yeah, he's *that* guy. During church league softball I have to remind him that it's CHURCH LEAGUE and no one appreciates his negativity.

3. He has a slight case of road rage.
On one of our first dates he started yelling at another driver. I nicely told him that evening that I hated when he did that and that I found it highly unattractive. He stopped doing it with me in the car, but I know when he drives alone he's making an Olympic sport of mocking other drivers.

4. He's not patriotic.
I'm a teacher. I taught US History when I taught 5th grade and Veteran's Day is one of my favorite holidays. I'm an idealist who wants to believe in the good side of people. My hubby is the opposite. He hates the government. We used to argue about this topic. But then I realized that it has zero effect on our daily lives so it really doesn't matter that we disagree about political issues so now we just don't talk about it. It's working out pretty well ;-)

5. When things get stressful he chills.
I on the other hand flip out, make lists and create A, B and C plans while he watches whatever sport is on TV at the moment. Which leads me to....

6. He is a sports addict.
I know I said I would write 5 things but I thought of one more... he is obsessed with sports. Like ESPN radio obsessed. People listen to other things besides music on the radio??

That's it. Those are the flaws my husband has that could drive me nuts if I let them. Instead I realize he truly is the yin to my yang and we help each other be totally functioning adults while raising 5 kids with flaws of their own.

Retirement Planning... and other things to do on date night!

One of the ONLY good things about divorce is that you get to have some kid free time while your kids are being parented by the other person in their lives that should care enough about them to do a good job. The cool thing about that is where I normally worry when I leave them places (mostly I worry about how the person taking care of them is holding up, not actually about my kids) when they are with their dad I know they are going to be fine and actually need to spend time with him.

So what do my hubby and I do on our two weekends a month kid-free? Most of the time we attend our kids sporting events or activities on those weekends so it ends up being about one weekend a month that we get to have date nights or even date weekends. When the stars align and we have some time off we like to go out of town because as I mentioned in a previous post, when I am home I find work to do. For example, since we got married we have turned a dining room into a bedroom, added a bathtub in the downstairs bath, painted the entire downstairs, painted our bedroom, painted two kids' rooms, added a basketball hoop, trampoline, and pool to the backyard, built a shed, and done other stuff I can't think of right now. This weekend we plan on building a bunny lean-to and then later this month we are going to replace flooring in our bathroom and laundry room to finish our remodel. My hubby knows that if we stay home I will think of things that need done.

We enjoy our little weekend getaways when they do happen. And one of our favorite things to do on those weekends, other than talk about our kids and make plans for how to stay sane, is to plan our retirement. Some day our kids will all grow up and have their own families. It's hard to imagine when you are holding them in your arms or cleaning up dirty diapers or feeding them in the middle of the night, but these little people will have their own lives. We aren't crummy parents who are counting down the days until the kids move out (ahem... 2026)... :) We tell our kids to stay home and go to college locally and we will pay their room and board. We aren't rushing them. But, they will leave someday, it will happen. They don't belong to us. Watching them become independent little people is exciting for us. We love seeing them do their own thing, develop their own interests and explore life. And so naturally the conversations we have turn towards planning what we will do when the kids leave our nest.

Have you thought about it? I mean *really* thought about it? We all hear those stories of couples who stay married until their kids all grow up and move out and then they divorce. If the thought of being alone with your spouse when all the kids leave scares you, that is not a good sign. I know because I felt that way in my first marriage. I can remember sitting in counseling and the therapist saying "You do know your kids will leave the house someday?" and I instantly started crying. Bad sign, ladies, bad sign.

Honestly, there was nothing I could do to stay married the first time. This is not a post advocating or bashing divorce. This is just me telling you what happened. I got married at 18. Not the best age to be picking the person you will be married to for the rest of your life, but I've seen it work for some people so I won't blame being young. Besides all the normal issues that sometimes come with marriage we had a huge one in ours and it's not something people like to talk about: cheating. And so after 15 years and 3 kids I got tired of it and said no more. I felt ashamed and sad and like a failure but I went to counseling and Divorce Care and the more time goes by, the better I feel about it. I can look at my kids honestly and know I did right by them. If one of my kids was in the situation I was in I would tell them to do the exact same thing I did. Absolutely no regrets.

When I was married the first time and I would hear people talk about their spouses in a positive way I figured they were lying. I thought people all had the issues we had and just lied about it. Then I met my second husband (that sounds so classy, doesn't it :p) and the more time we spend together and the longer we are married the more excited I get about growing old and ugly with  him. I am genuinely excited to help him with things and do life with him. He makes me laugh and gives 100% to our family. We are the same in a lot of ways and both give and expect little in return. That's one reason I knew we made a good match; we are both the type of people that can get taken advantage of so I figured if we married each other we would be 'safe' from vultures that we normally attract. LOL

BUT... and this is a huge BUT... we have a blended family. We have kids with hurts who lash out at us. We have grief on all sides that taints even our best days. It's hard to be happy and sad all at the same time, but our kids are becoming masters of that. It is not a life I wish on anyone, but we make the best of it. We made a decision and it has taken a lot of work from both of us, to be positive and focus on the good in our lives and not let the bad or negative tear us apart. And what is developing is truly beautiful.

Last weekend we stayed in a teepee (that looked way cooler in the picutres), at an RV park (showers had slow drains, enough said), next to smelly Soap Lake (people should question what exactly is happening with the water that would create that smell) while we planned our retirement. We talked about what we are going to do 'someday' and what kind of life we want to have when we are grandma and grandpa. And it was great. My husband is my best friend. He is the coolest person to hang out with. He understands my need for order and doesn't react when I freak out because we forgot hot dogs. He makes me laugh, mostly at myself and is my favorite person in the world. Maybe we have it easy because we are technically newlyweds? Try being newlyweds with two ex's and kids with loyalty issues. We don't have it easy. We just love each other and work hard.

My husband noticed the other day that I don't talk about him much in my blog. I laughed. I guess I don't want to brag. I mostly write about things that make me crazy and that annoy me. He really, truly does neither of those things. When we do argue I stop after about two sentences because he looks at me with those sincere eyes and I can't be a jerk to him! It's not fair actually :-/ It's hard to be mad at the world when someone is wanting to hug you.

So this post is for my hubby... I won't write about him much because reading it is like the equivalent of watching Donnie Loves Jenny and gagging over all the PDA.

Love you Air Bear, and I can't wait to build our tiny house overlooking some body of water and drive our RV back and forth from where ever we live to see the kids and grand kids and help them do life :)

Lost Goggles... and other things that make me go ape

When I was a kid I lost EVERYTHING. Whatever I touched, I ended up setting down somewhere and forgetting about until I needed it again, at which point I would get frantic and search and cry until I found it. The running joke from my older sister every time I lost something was "When you get married someday, you'll lose your husband!" (That did actually happen with my first marriage... But that's another blog post....)

As an adult I take painstaking efforts to NOT lose things anymore. I am keenly aware of where I set things because I have to be. If I let myself be the real me I would revert back to losing everything. So instead I try *really hard* to pay attention to where things are. And because I put so much effort into being responsible and not losing my sh*t, it drives me absolutely ape when my kids claim to lose something they just had two seconds ago.

This summer, goggles have almost ended me. I cannot tell you how many times my kids have claimed to lose their goggles. One child even refused to get into the pool because "swimming is no fun unless you can see everything!!" Which also drove me ape. I go so bonkers when things are lost that I have been known to go out and buy the lost item so that it is in my possession again, all the while knowing that it will likely be found that very same day. My logical, good parenting brain leaves my body entirely and I become a crazy OCD version of myself that will not rest until the lost item is found. We may or may not have 10 pairs of goggles right now.

Besides the goggles dilemma of summer 2k15, there are a lot of other things making me go ape as well. Why just today I got up, took my kids to swim team, came home, paid bills, made some phone calls, signed up a kid for fair and then turned around to make lunch just as one kid wanted a t shirt that was too big to be made into a tank top (which was my fault for not getting the right size), another kid was itching for a play date and inquiring as to *when* I would be making that happen, and a third child was making plans to breed a bunny she was already told wasn't going to happen until fall but she wanted to go ahead and get started because she's bored. Everyone wants something all the time and they want me to make it happen. The pressure mounts and I feel overwhelmed. Then in walks my husband to have lunch with us which makes me feel like a failure. He should be walking into me being "super mom", not me being "I just can't help one more person today so make a sandwich" mom (otherwise known as World's Ok-est Mom). We got through the afternoon and I did make my husband a nice lunch and I might have even smiled once or twice, but it was a rough day.

Later, I sent my husband a text that said:

 "Taking (child) to drama class... I might not come back... why am I not better at this mom thing?"

He of course told me I was fine and laughed it off. But as I drove to Kohl's after dropping said child off and stalling  rushing to return home, I thought about why things drive me so nuts.

Someone once said to me "You're a great teacher. Why can't you just 'teach' your kids all day? Wouldn't that be more fun/Make you hate being home less?" To which I answered "I can't talk with a puppet all day." I was teaching preschool at the time which is more like acting, so I thought well, I guess I just can't act all day. I can't be engaging all day. I can't make everything a game. I can't be as awesome with my own kids as I am with my students. I mean I can, for moments, but I can't do it ALL DAY.

But today as I thought about all the things that make me crazy during the day when I am home it finally hit me. I love teaching ALL kids. I love being around kids and watching them learn. My family can even vouch for me, that I love working. I love my own kids and doing activities with them. I love watching them learn to do things. So what's the big difference between school and home???

Answer: lunch ladies and custodians and secretaries and paraeducators!

I need support staff! At school, all I do is teach. That's my focus. I focus on the kids and what we are doing. The rest of the stuff, the office stuff, the food stuff, even the helping kids who aren't up to speed stuff, is handled by OTHER PEOPLE.

But at home I am all of those things rolled up into one giant person in a straight jacket. It is crazy-making! How am I supposed to be everything to everyone all the time??? And stay sane? Because things like goggles matter, people! All of the little things matter.

There is no funny and inspiring way to end this post. The only reason I even wrote it is for solidarity. If you are at home this summer going ape over things like missing goggles just know that you are not alone! It takes a huge staff of people to run a school that tends to your children on a daily basis and right now if you are even making an attempt at being a Worlds' Ok-est Mom then you might feel like you are in over your head. The solution for me today is to go have fun with my kids. Forget the custodian, secretary, lunch lady, and even teacher for a few minutes and just go have fun. Go put on a pair of goggles and jump in the pool.... before anyone asks you for anything that is :-)