Blended Families Aren't That Special

Recently (read: today) a friend messaged me and we chatted about teenagers. If you have, have had, or have been a teen you're shaking your head right now and smirking. You know. You know exactly what I'm talking about when I say teenagers are HARD. The best analogy about raising teenagers that I've heard is that it's equivalent to trying to hug a porcupine. Now that we have one child on his way out of his teens we can see that porcupines can be cohabitated with. You can give them their space and they stop attacking and you can live together quiet happily, mostly. But the 9 and 11 year old are right there on the cusp of teenager hood reminding us that the road is still long yet. They're currently in the stage I would describe as baby porcupines.They are still soft to the touch, but every once in a while you reach out to pet them, expecting their soft fuzzy fur, only to be pierced with a dagger of preteen angst and anger fueled by a new self-righteous attitude that seems to have developed out of no where. Thanks, hormones. I've never missed holding my cuddly babies like I do now that they are all becoming their own people. It is equal parts beautiful and terrifying at the same time. For every proud milestone they reach, there is a new pokey quill, keeping you from fully enjoying it as you did before they could walk, when there were no quills in sight.

Sometimes porcupines still let you hold them... awe <3

Not only do we have five teens and preteens in our house, we have five teens and preteens in a blended family. I like to talk a lot about my blended family, so much so that I've had to stop. My kids are getting older and don't actually appreciate me sharing the details of our lives. What I see as endearing and amusing stories they see as embarrassing and personal. I mostly now keep to private Facebook groups for blended families. But out in the real world, as I talk with my friends and still share nuggets about my crazy life here and there it has become obvious to me that blended families don't have the market cornered on dysfunction. This year marks our fifth year as a blended family and we have mostly recovered from the initial shock and explosion of emotions from moving our families in together. We are now in a stage I'd like to call "dysfunctionally normal." Dyfunctionally normal is where every family lives, most just don't like to talk about it.

How many people out there are as enamored with the show This Is Us as I am? I  abso-freaking-lutely love that show! It makes me cry Every. Single. Time. And that's saying something. I often joke that I'm so dead inside that I had to get a prescription for Restasis so I could at least cry fake tears (tear issue problem is real, however, a more probable cause is old age:P) I've been hardened by life at my young age of 38 (cough, cough) that I really don't cry much. Except now. This Is Us has changed all of that. It has opened up the flood gates and when I sit down to watch it I have my tissues ready and prepare for the water works. This show is about one of my favorite dysfunctionally normal families, and here's why I love it.

You can blame the show's success on good writing and excellent actors if you want, but in my opinion, there is more to it than that. We aren't really watching Jack and Rebecca's stories in an effort to be entertained. We aren't merely watching Kate and Kevin and Randall grow up. We are watching ourselves. We are observing patterns in human interaction and wondering in awe, how the show has captured it all so well. 

I see myself in Kate and her need to keep everyone at arm's length, Randall and his need to be perfect and plan everything, Kevin with his good guy's heart and asshole actions. How can I identify with three totally different characters? I look at them in much the same way I look at my kids; how can they each be so different and so much like me at the same time? It keeps us loving, and rooting for these ordinary characters week after week, just as we root for ourselves. 

One of the relationships I identify the most with is Rebecca and Kate. I see myself in Rebecca, the eager mother who wants to do better by her kids, but despite all she does, her own daughter won't let her in. Maybe there's a layer there that we haven't seen yet, a dynamic to their relationship that hasn't been exposed. Maybe Kate has a disorder: ADHD, autism, a physical handicap. I mean it makes no sense, right? Here are a perfectly normal mom and daughter and they can't get along. There has to be a hardship that has created this dynamic... Or maybe, all relationships are hard, no matter how hard we try. Maybe because we are all flawed, relationships are flawed too. All we can really control is how much we love people and continue to be there for them, even when they push us away. My favorite Rebecca quote this season is this:

"No, it's not your job to make me feel better," Rebecca counters. "It's not — it's my job. It's my job to keep standing there with my arms wide open, waiting for you to maybe someday fall inside if you needed it. And if you do, I'll love you. And if you don't, I'll love you, too — because that's what it means to be a parent. You'll see one day."

If you didn't cry during this scene, you have no soul.

Our five kids all have baggage. They all have to be handled differently and connected with differently. Some of our kids are easier to love than others. Some of them have more baggage. Some of them deal with their baggage better. There are mornings with one child that I get up and think "I will connect with --- today." and five minutes into a car drive to school I'm ready to tap out. Then there is the child that does for others so much that you have to train them to identify their own feelings and take care of themselves. Despite all these differences, I have to be there for them, even when they don't deserve it, even when they don't want me to be, even when it's inconvenient. Even when it hurts.

Me, after asking a teenager how their day was.... *actual footage*

We all know tragedy looms on This Is Us. If you haven't watched it yet I won't spoil it for you, but what we know so far is that the family survives a huge loss. I guess as I watch Rebecca and Jack struggle with raising kids and connecting with teenagers, I'm encouraged by the fact that I know the family comes out the other side. In fact, they don't merely come out the other side, they thrive and grow and learn, and most importantly, they love. And what more can any of us ask for for ourselves and our families? It's perfection because it's real. And real is messy. Sometimes knowing every family is just as dysfunctionally normal as our own is like getting wrapped in a giant bandaid. And when you're hugging porcupines all day, you need lots of giant bandaids to make you feel like you might come out the other side too.

Me, after watching This Is Us.... ah.... all better :)